Month: March 2009

Tomorrow – our head cook (or “Mom” as I call her) will not be at work. I so depend on her to help me through the work day. I like to make her laugh, to tease and ‘worry’ her. She has a big family thing going on this weekend, leaving tomorrow for it. I hope it goes well.

Today would have been boring except that we were constantly moving. Having dish duty is the worst on big days like today. I was ready to give it up this afternoon and only came home to find more chores waiting on me. Guess this time in my life is about working and taking care of the fam. And I am blessed beyond measure to have this family of mine.

I think that I must go back to gratitude journaling. I did this once before when my heart had gotten so stubborn, so bent on being cold as ice. It helped me tremendously to keep things in perspective – to remember that yes, I am dust and that only by the grace of God was I even given life.

That’s one big thing that helped me before – to know that you know, I can sit and pine for heaven – ungrateful for this physical existence – or I can be thankful that I was born, given this physical life and presence, understanding that without it I wouldn’t even have the chance for eternal life or the chance to know God. (Unless God made me to be an angel.)

(I mean, in heaven are there other spirits – spirits besides those of former people and of angels? (Good question for a pastor… or for me to look into.) Is it God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit (the Trinity), angels, and us in heaven? Well, I mean, there God will be really, truly all-consuming – no room for more! And who else would be there?)

Okay, don’t know how I got to that question but certainly is less taxing than some brewing around inside of me. Hey, I don’t know why God made me this way; I am a thinker, a writer, an introverted emotional thing. But I am learning and don’t believe He’s brought me this far to leave me… I just can’t give up now. Come too far from where I started from. No one told me the road would be easy and I don’t believe You’ve brought me this far to leave me… (great gospel song; thank You, Jesus, for giving me these resonations within; total encouragement) DD

Well that’s a loaded question to say the least… 🙂 really referring to the whole Facebook thing. I felt so left out when I joined yesterday and today found so many from my church on there!

Spiritually speaking, I’m rather dry. I try to return to my old self, the one who sang and made music in her heart to the Lord, the one who tried to live righteously, to live apart from the world around her… I don’t know what happened. Well, frankly I do. I got disappointed. I thought that something was going to happen that didn’t – and I’m such the strong-willed child! I want it my way. However, right now looks like it’s got to be the way it is. And I don’t have to accept less – but I do have to live in the present, face up to where I am and go on with God. 

Maybe my idea of success is not the same as God’s. Maybe the victory comes when I can handle the here in now as a mature Christian, no longer pouting or shrinking because I messed up, but being humble enough to go for grace and not an ounce more. His grace has to be enough for me.

That being said, any Fortifiers catch the symbolism Sunday morning after church, when we were dismissed out into the covering of white?

This morning I awoke to thoughts, coming out – seemingly unprovoked feelings coming up and demanding exit, no longer locked inside under bitterness and resentment. No longer playing aloof or indifferent, but wanting to find resolution that comes only out in the open…

I’m sure there’s more. There’s poetry to come on this subject of unforgiveness. For there was snow, coming down, white as ever, as I rode home from church with my quite happy family. There was grace, saying okay it is cold – life, relationships are often tough – but we are covered in white in the eyes of God, if we know Christ. We are pure, unadulterated spirits lighting up the landscape but only when we let go of yesterday’s failures and pains, are we free to fall on the world around us, softly and gently, like a snowflake – unique in creation with our own special place to land.

towards forgiving someone close, and yes, especially myself. DD